Thankfulness

Why am I so blessed? When I think about people that are thankful to me, I am always amazed. I don't think there is any feeling like gratitude to you. I don't think there is any feeling like being indebted to someone. But it amazes me, when people are thankful to me. It's not like I don't expect people to be thankful, but just not for things I've done or who I am. I don't think I've ever done anything really large for anyone and perhaps the things that I feel like people should thank me for, no one has, but the things which I pass off as meaningless have been the most meaningful.

Put simply, I don't feel worthy of it.

I think it makes me feel guilty. Of what though? I don't do much... Shane Claiborne says that to start making the world better, we do small acts with a lot of love. I don't feel like I have a lot of love. Perhaps that's what they mean when they say the love of God is reflected in you whether you like it or not haha. People used to say that I cheered them up without meaning to. I guess that kind of things still happens a lot haha.

I gave a cheeseburger to a man lying in a pile of trash and then prayed for him. He also prayed and thanked God for me and when I opened my eyes, I saw tears in his. Guilt... I see what I did, and then I see what I could have done... what Jesus would have done and I see the vast difference. I see so much potential in my friends. I think one reason for guilt is that I've never been able to be honest with a lot of that. I believe in them so much and I feel like I've never been able to express that correctly. haha but maybe because I believe in them, it comes out in my actions. Jesus was right when He said the overflow of the heart is our actions. Perhaps more than just our actions, but the way we're perceived is affected by it too.

I'm thankful to so many people. I'm a bit embarrassed about some of it because I think it's such a small thing that I would be so grateful for. Perhaps I should let them know more often. I wish I could help people more. I can't, but God can. I wish I trusted in God enough to tell people with confidence that He is the way. If God can't do it, then there's no hope. If my God can't do it, then I need to get a new God, the Christian God who can. Will I ever understand how much He's done for me? Thankfulness. To be thankful at all times.

I've come to the conclusion (mentally) that I should be dead right now. You see many cases of God striking down someone for doing one sin. Uzziah putting his hand on the Ark, Ananias and Sephira lying to Peter, Aaron's sons offering false fire on the altar, Judas betraying Christ (although I wonder if these acts were just a culmination of bad living). The wages of sin truly are death and if that's how it is, I should have been struck down long ago. 22 years of borrowed time, time that I shouldn't have lived. Am I in debt? Or should I be thankful? Right now I feel a bit of both, but knowing I've received mercy is something good.

Thankfulness. I think it's a good reminder that people rely on me, but also when I am thankful to God, it reminds me that I rely on Him. I wish people wouldn't thank me, but thank God instead. He's the reason I am who I am. I wish I had the courage to say that more often. When I hear people say that sometimes, it comes off really fake sounding (but perhaps that says more about my heart than the other person). Every second I live is a gift, something I don't consider very often. I'm thankful that people are thankful to me and for other people. I'm thankful for what God has done for me. That's a good place to start.